Lying in bed, minding my own business (as on does when they're attempting to sleep) when I feel the footsteps of my loving ( REALLY need a sarcasm font) feline across my chest. She knows she's not allowed on my chest but she's purring and kneading so I allow it because, I'll admit it, it feels kinda neat.
I'm getting a chest massage from my cat...and I like it!
Bitch totally had me believing she was going to be nice....smh.
I'm relaxed, almost sleeping, when the asshole shows her true colors! She digs into my boobs like she's a freaking rodeo champion on a wild bull going for gold! She's got me good and as I gasp in pain, I'm peeling her nails out of my precious fun bags, she swings her head and tries to bite me!
I toss the rabid bitch asshole jerkface off of me ( she gives an offended "Mrow" and swipes at my leg) and reach for my antihistamines but its already too late...the damage is done...my boobs are on fire! I can feel her poison spreading through my blood! I cannot scratch my poor abused mams hard enough!
I head to the bathroom to assess the situation and she follows me. She perches herself on the back of the toilet and, I swear, she laughs at me as I count the puncture marks. "Why?" I ask, wishing the seat was up so i could push her in, " why are you such an asshole?!" Of course I get no valid answer, just a flick of her tail as she books it out of my reach and takes off to, I don't know- maybe eat the money in my wallet (yes...she has done this before..freaking plastic money!...)! Now, I'm once again, laying in bed, attempting to go to sleep, while rubbing my boobs and waiting for the antihistamines to kick in. *sigh* Fml.
On a positive note... I found a free way to make my boobs look bigger! The swelling might hurt but it's good for the cleavage!
On a not so positive note...my left boob is currently substantially bigger than my right.
I'd post a picture but.. (I'm tempted to wake Brian up to show him but I don't think I can handle him laughing like a fool!...) My cat is an asshole. A colossal asshole! 🐈
#AssholeCat #CatIsAtItAgain #ShesAJerk #PrettyKitty #ShesLuckyShesSoCute #painful